an-OPEN-eyes-DREAM-story

RETURNING SOON!!!

2006-08-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

WE WILL RETURN SOON!!! Check back in September for updates!

Did you like BRICK? Check out Director Rian Johnson's first music video...

I'm Juggernaut Bitch!!!

2006-06-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...very few updates, stories, or articles as of late...but they will come...busy, busy, busy...
besides...I'M JUGGERNAUT BITCH!!!

We will return to reporting when the news is horrific...

2006-06-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

Who wants an appletini instead of a news report? i do...
Coulter criticizes Clinton and several of the 9/11 victims families...what is the result...A #1 book!!!
Iranian leader is at a Shanghai summit...ahhhhhh, don't let these guys in the same room, and you know Russia will show up uninvited, crap...watch Dr. Strangelove to see why...
An earthquake swarm has attacked Alaska...we will start searching for the quakes' WMDs shortly...
okay...so there is news...
I'm waiting for all of these items to come to a head...and pop...when they do...
An Open Eyes Dream Story will return!!!
busy times folks...

CORRECTION: The Dallas Mavericks are Israel's public enemy #1...not Iran...

2006-06-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

Israel and God both want the Miami Heat to win!

The Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban said he considered calling Palestinian forces and Iran's president to have them pray for the Mavericks' victory over the Israeli Heat, but decided not to take the situation any further.

ANNA NICOLE AND BLOWING CANADA!!!

2006-06-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

CANADA...would you miss it?

17 Terror Suspects were arrested in Toronto today...
Early reports indicate that a Hamas terror group was planning a major attack on Canadian soil. The group's leader INASH NOJEW, described as a Cat Stevens & Ted Nugent hybrid extremist, declared, "WE ARE GOING TO BLOW THE UNITED STATES' YAMAKA CLEAR OFF THE MAP! AND AFTER THE YAMAKA, WE WILL BLOW THE UNITED STATES' SHOFAR SHOES OFF THE MAP! F#$K MEXICO AND CANADA!"
George Clooney quickly responded, "Well at least they're using hybrids!"
After we explained to Mr. Clooney that their was no mention of a hybrid vehicle, he shouted, "FINE!!! Have you seen Brad Pitt's baby...name means the New Messiah, I mean Christ...the New Messiah, I HAVE AN OSCAR NOW! RESPECT ME!!! EVERYONE LOVES GEORGE!!!

BIGGEST NEWS OF THE CENTURY - ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS PREGNANT!!!

When we spoke to Fatty Smith about the pregnancy and who the father was...she answered, "It doesn't matter who the father is or isn't, it could be several people, places, or things. I just pray that this child is born old and rich. If it's old and rich, I'll marry it, touch its genitals until I'm written into its will, and then talk it to death. I'm good at that...talking too much...and elderly oral sex. After a couple trips down that wrinkled totem pole, you start to forget what you're even doing."
SAVE DARFUR!!! NO!!! SAVE AMERICA!!! SAVE AMERICA FROM ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S OFFSPRING...I MEAN F#$K, WHY IS SHE ALLOWED TO REPRODUCE...look at her...ughhhhhhh!!!

Cursing Public Access Preacher

2006-05-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

The previous clip was removed...but this one is better...enjoy until this one is removed...

Three new films coming out by Striped Socks Productions!!!

2006-05-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

It was just announced that Striped Socks Productions (www.striped-socks.com) is going to shoot three films back to back to back. After 'Wednesday', the filmmakers wanted to tackle other genres. They have officially been announced on multiple sources and list that they are in pre-production. The three projects are the following: a horrific drama 'Pale Horse', a drama about two brothers 'Enoch', and 'Blue Like Isolation'. Apparently, they are currently casting these projects.

NEWS, NEWS, NEWS...

2006-05-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

WTF, Grandma?

And I thought the only thing I could teach you was how to update your iPod.

The 2000 Club?

Umm…doubtful. Are you sure it was 2000 lbs? Are you sure it wasn't…nothing? (credit to Family Guy)

Fake-ticiles wasn't pithy enough.

I don't know what's most ridiculous: the concept, the name, the flash animation, the price, or the fact that if someone neutered me, I would probably get them. P.S. Please don't neuter me.

The definition of cute:

Also, a metaphor for what love really is.

Vampire activist.

If you would like to interview him, Tuesday he's doing Crossfire to bash the wooden stake lobby, he's picketing a crucifix factory on Thursday, and on Friday he's got a sitdown on the Hill with the Van Helsings to discuss ending hostilities.

Unnecessary Censorship w/ Jimmy Kimmel

It's funny because he's not in it.

Bugs in blackface:

Huge collection of inappropriate cartoons.

The John Swift burger:

Also known as the Modest Proposal sandwich or the California Cheeseburger. Because in California, they eat babies. True story.

What do you get when you cross a lemur and a transformer:

Optimus Prime just rolled over in his grave. What? He's not dead? Really? Are you sure? I thought he committed suicide? Wasn't he OCD, and like, he just couldn't take it anymore? What? Family Feud? Whatever.

So the egg people got to you, too?

I never though I would see the day when Professor John Brookfield, specialist in evolutionary genetics at University of Nottingham, would sell out to the egg lobbyists. BTW, there's no way that's a real school. I read Robin Hood. That's what I meant: I watched the movie Robin Hood. That's what I meant: the Disney version. And yes, Maid Marion was hot for a cartoon fox that was probably slightly underage.
(courtesy Jesse Woo)

HOW TO CELEBRATE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

2006-05-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I CALLED FOR NEWS...AND IT CAME!!!
Cannes handed out awards...Indonesia has declared emergency...Pitt-Jolie gave birth to the 'new messiah' (check out the name), Bonds passed Ruth (while eating a steroids laced butterfinger)...but none of these will prepare you for the ultimate Memorial Day Weekend Celebration...

KILL KIDS & YOURSELF...

WE NEED MORE NEWS!!!

2006-05-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

The biggest news story right now is about Al Gore and whether he walked or drove to his Cannes Film Festival Premiere...who cares!?!
Enron's Lay & Skilling were found guilty...big surprise!
Where is the real news...the immediate threat!?! What happened to Iran...?
Okay, so hopefully things will pick up soon...

Man Strangles Lawyer in Court

...that's it...
another slow day for news...but this made me 'kind of' smile...

Tommy hilfiger, Jack Bauer, Freddy Kreuger, and a severed penis.

2006-05-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! OMG!!!! Tommy Hilfiger has a girlfriend?

Oh, yeah. Hilfiger was drunk and attacked Axl Rose in what must have been the second or third gayest fight of all time, but that is much less shocking than the fact that Hilfiger is not a homer sexual.

Jack Bauer, has one weakness apparently…tequila.

Picture of a drunk Kiefer at a table, sans pants.

Seven year old escapes from Alcatraz.

In other news, police let him slip through their grasp, and this dangerous second grader is still at large. How can our leaders let a hardened criminal walk the streets unchecked?

No description needed.

Umm…shit.

Yeah...shit. We're all in trouble now.

Comet, huh? Tsunami, huh? Extraterrestrials, huh?

Well, sources look good to me. Nice graphs.

And the magnum opus…

duh duh duh doo da duh…comedy!!!!
(all courtesy of Jesse Woo)

He won't ever die...

2006-05-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

It's a slow day, but I thought this was funny...CASTRO WILL LIVE TO 140!!!...

Ron Howard isn't the antichrist anymore...

2006-05-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Let's start out this Thursday with a "Hamlet of Horrors"...
and a couple of quick reminders folks...
The left lane is the FAST LANE...
Turn signals indicate that you are F#$KING TURNING!!!...
and...NOW,
it turns out that Ron Howard ISN'T the antichrist...he just made a very bad, laughable film...well that sounds like the antichrist to me, but oh well...Michael Bay & Brett Ratner still lead the pack in that department...and to quote Chris Tucker from X-MEN: The Last Installment, "Do you understand the prophecy that is comin' outta my mouth!?! THE DA VINCI CODE IS BAD BITCH!"

MAGNETO VS. FIRE CROTCH

2006-05-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

Brandon Davis (whoever the hell he is) fills us in on Lindsay Lohan's most intimate details (warning: language)

Magneto's Bible disclaimer...

"Well, I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction. I mean, walking on water, it takes an act of faith. And I have faith in this movie. Not that it's true, not that it's factual, but that it's a jolly good story. And I think audiences are clever enough and bright enough to separate out fact and fiction, and discuss the thing after they've seen it."
Sir Ian McKellen Magneto also added that,"PETE DOHERTY IS A SICK F#$K!!!"and that Doherty is "no apt pupil"...
McKellen refused to comment on Lindsay Lohan's anatomy.
(courtesy of aPENisMIGHTIER, Jesse Woo, & GoldenFiddle)

CNN airs President Bush Rehearsal

2006-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

This will probably be removed very soon...so check it out...

Drudge Report's developing article...if you want to read more

accident? what do you think?
I think it was done just to add to the end of this video

Jack Bauer's Grandmother, Jack Bauer's Surprisingly Asian Grandfather, & Sick Child Rape

2006-05-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Jack Bauer's Grandmother:

A 74 year old woman was attacked by an alligator while gardening. She beats the alligator in the face with a garden hose until it lets her go, then she resumes gardening. Note to self: don't attack old ladies while pruning roses.

My Summer Plans:

Camp Cobra is much cooler than that other camp. My mom was concerned that I would get shot, but I politely informed her that no one has ever been shot in the history of GI Joe. Ever.

Nah...it couldn't be...really?

What appears to be actual deleted footage from Episode IV. The reason it got cut? Because it scientifically confirms that Luke is, in fact, a gay. True story. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Luke. What you want to do when you go to "Taachi" to get some "power converters" is your own business.

There's a "who let the dogs out" joke in here somewhere:

= some asshole has actually made a radio station exclusively for dogs. WTF, mate?

Jack Bauer's surprisingly asian grandfather:

So...you want me to shoot arrows at you with this bow, and you're gonna chop the arrows in half in mid-air before they hit you? Okay, I'm in.

Sick, sick, sick CHILD RAPE

That's how we end it here...with sick child rape. Not that there's anything wrong with that...oh wait, that's really wrong...really f$*kin' sick...ugghhhhh...
(courtesy of Jesse Woo)

BRANGELINA IS BORN!!!

2006-05-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

We are happy to break the news to the public...BRANGELINA HAS ARRIVED!!!
(...and even uglier than expected)
The famous offspring of the two Hollywood megastars is already pissed at the paparazzi. Only two hours old, the now officially named 'Brangelina', became overwhelmed by the onslaught of paparazzi and tried to commit suicide. 'Brangelina' immediately regretted the decision to try and choke itself with its own umbilical cord, and added, "It's going to be a hard life." For some ridiculous reason, we chose not to question the fact that a newborn was already speaking perfect English. Instead we asked about the possibility of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith sequel featuring the ugly child. Brangelina's answer..."Waaahhhh, I want my mommy."
Now since this is just a satirical announcement, we will refuse to respond to that comment.
We will however respond to the whole cultural obsession with this beautiful couple's soon to be beautiful child...
"WHO THE F*$K CARES!!!" (find another hobby folks)...

Okay...so we attacked the nation's 'brangelina' obsession...what is next?
Let's start with another hiccup in race relations...

My teacher is convinced, "blacks are inferior to whites"...it's history, science, it's fact...

And what about those crazy Brits? ...this explains their teeth...

So what's with the smell? ...oh, okay...it's stilton...uhhhh

BAD TEETH, BAD SMELL...and yet they can still manage to get laid at age ELEVEN!!!

Okay...so enough with the Brits...the US has plenty more to discuss...from Florida to California it's gettin' rough out here...

Alligator Stalked Jogger

MySpace 'Poser' Arrested For Attempted Sexual Battery

the NEW DISEASE TO WORRY ABOUT!!!

Cripple CAN WALK!!!

CHOMSKY, ARLINGTON,TX & a FREAK WITH A FOOT FETISH - It's a slow Thursday

2006-05-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

U.S. Definition VS. The Real Definition (of the word 'terrorist') - Noam Chomsky's views on the Iran situation

"He ain't even do nothing, he just filmed it," Walker said.

MAN AT HIS BEST

Okay, so those aren't the 'fight club' videos in question...but it's something...I tried to find them...

And if public transportation wasn't disturbing enough...

WATCH YOUR FEET LADIES...especially if you're a black woman!!!

Brokeback hazing, The RED is back, an early film, & Tupac Barney

2006-05-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

'Brokeback' beats the 'Elephant Walk'...

"The 'Comrade Wolf' knows who to eat...

Georges Méliès - Un homme de têtes (early film, 1898)

(compliments of Advanced Theory)

The BEST FOR LAST!!!

(warning: language)

TERROR THREAT LEVEL - CRIMSON/FIREBRICK/MAROON - I think that means it's bad...

2006-05-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Today's blog entry will serve to educate the public on the most dangerous terror threats against humanity on this Tuesday...
We'll start with one of the worst...

Okay, that was just awful...but what else...You thought anthrax was a scare...think again, that was child's play...how about a cookie?

What is that secret ingredient?

Okay, maybe not the most threatening item, but still...

I wanted to eat him, I didn't want to kill him...

Okay, that's just frightening...

Just another android?

"The robot can serve to provide information in department stores and museums or read stories to children; it’s capable of both education and entertainment functions," said KITECH scientist Baeg Moon-hong. Another KITECH scientist added that it is also useful for, "creeping the F*@K out of people!"
As technology advances, so does the threat of world domination & annihilation...

THE ATTACK OF FLYING ROBOTS

David used this powerful weapon in Psalms while fighting Lucifer on top of Mount Everest, Gandhi used it against the Soviets during the Cold War, and Lou Reed used it against Ted Kennedy at Medieval Times in Dallas...but only one song will be remembered for all of eternity...

The THREAT OF SONG

So what about the whole Iran situation?

Iran proclaims, "OUR MEN MUST LOOK LIKE MEN!!!"

And in a manly effort, Iran wrote the US a diplomatic love note..."

After reading the love note, Prime Minister Blair announced that, "nuking Iran would be absurd"

Israel was at a loss for words and could only respond with...

"I know you are, but what am I..."

So what can protect you from the upcoming apocalypse?

We have protection!!!

Well, you'll be safe as long as you don't think you look too goofy...fashion in, life out...you heard it here first!

Wednesday through Saturday...making up for lost time.

2006-05-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Let's skip the blog foreplay and get right into the sex...

Are you a shy virgin?

These prostitutes have received 'sensitivity training' and are fully prepared to make your first sexual experience a very comfortable one...
A rep for one of the prostitute whore sluts added, "...it will be less awkward...it will still be dirty and make you feel like dirty, dirty sin...but less awkwardly...is that a word? Awkwardly...yes...now the prostitutes have hearts too! It's a big day for shameful acts of indiscretion!"

I'm screwed because a FORTUNE-TELLING JUDGE is going to let three mystic dwarfs decide my fate...

At least I can enjoy my execution...

I hate to be a stickler, but MY EXECUTION IS NOT WORKING...

Let's try DEATH BY CANDIRU...oh F#$K that would hurt

...a vampire fish...(courtesy of JesseWoo)
Instead of a last meal, can I have a last drink?

What is that secret ingredient in your favorite cup of joe?

I take my COFFEE WITH CAT SHIT PLEASE please...

At least the coffee will keep you warm when the Neo-Cold-War begins...
Things are going to get rough...

Russia is already talking to China...asking to borrow their advanced robot technology for combat...
CHINESE ROBOTS???

China is open to the idea of supplying Russia with combat robots. The initial group of robots designed by China turned out female and had to be dismantled immediately. President Hu Jintao believes that instead of killing all of the female robot fetuses, they might be able to sell them off to Russia. Hu responded, "China only wants man robots, no bitch-bots."

So as female robot immigrants begin to demand Russian citizenship and take over the country, the US is still fighting its own immigrant battle...

...and I think I have a final solution for...uh...wait, that sounds wrong...not final solution, but a solution or final answer solution for...uh never mind, just watch...

THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE VIDEO

Superman arrives just as Tuesday's Gone...

2006-05-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

SUPERMAN RETURNS!!!

Check out the all new full-length Superman Returns trailer...
Screw the other summer films, Screw X-Men, Screw Jack Sparrow, & SCREW TOM CRUISE...I can't wait for Superman! Download the HD version if you can...

Does anyone else think Dick Cheney's daughter is a dude?

...not passing judgment, but come on...that's a man baby...oh, and the article goes on to say that he still likes his sausage (talking about Dick...Cheney that is...)

China and Russia won't back UN sanctions...
France is actually playing ball with the US...
and Iran plans on doing 'EVIL' on Israel if any 'EVIL' is 'EVIL-ED' onto them by the 'EVIL' US

...Do I have that right?
Iran added, "It's okay if the US acts kind of 'EVIL' or a little 'EVIL'...just not really 'EVIL'..."

AND THE FINAL ITEM to 'MAKE YOUR TUESDAY' (compliments of thePENisMIGHTIER)

So how does PARKOUR work?

minor Monday articles...

2006-05-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of odd items...
A Chinese heist gone incredibly wrong...
Is love worth five years in prison ???

For your Friday...

2006-04-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

Dumbest Kid Alive
Watch it now on StupidVideos!

WHERE IS MOSES WHEN WE NEED HIM MOST?

2006-04-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

"LET MY PEOPLE GO!"
Legend...Power...Purpose...all just typical Moses...
After freeing the Jews from Pharaoh in Egypt, Moses continued his 'Let My People Go' Campaign in Europe. He crusaded on to save the Russians, Slavs, Poles, Disabled, Homosexuals, Sinti, Roma, and the Jews again from Nazi Germany during World War II. Moses was a cultural icon at the peak of his power; however, that didn't last long. When Vietnam came along, Moses didn't receive so much as a phone call requesting his help. Why didn't we ask for his help? Why didn't we ask for David Bowie's help? Why not Lassie? This all baffles me...
And now, it only saddens me as I see the signs of the horrible infamy to come. Condi Rice & Donald Rumsfeld have gone to Iraq to support the struggling new leaders. Meanwhile, the situation in Iran continues to escalate daily as threats keep rolling in from all directions. The Mid-East conflict is turning into a giant pissing contest...and f@&k humanity, if everyone demands to be dealt into the game. Calm down right?
WRONG!!!
Killer f@$king chimps are on the prowl...
Plague-infested mice HAVE ESCAPED!!!
and did I mention the F@&KING KILLER CHIMPS, OH MY GOD!!!
A dodgy source added, "The chimps and mice met up and have decided to pursue the enrichment of uranium. Iran isn't the major concern, it is the killer chimps and the plague-infested mice. If they succeed, then we're all damned."
SO WHAT IN THE HELL DO WE DO?
CALL MOSES...and if that Moses isn't available, try Moses Malone...and if he isn't, hell, try Karl Malone...anyone...
Get Moses, Get Ziggy Stardust Bowie, Get Lassie...and, TAKE CARE OF THE SITUATION!
The world needs help!!!...ground control to Major Moses...

CURSING PUBLIC ACCESS PREACHER...

2006-04-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

This is actual footage from a public access show...

This video was contributed by Jesse Woo...thanks.
We welcome any contributions here at An Open Eyes Dream Story...thanks.

"DO I LOOK LIKE A /-expletive deleted-/!?!"

2006-04-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

PULP HOCKEY FICTION aka PUCK FICTION - "Samuel L. Jackson plays Chris Chelios' old youth league hockey coach, Jules Winnfield, the hitman from Pulp Fiction. One of several skits done for the 2002 Espy Awards." I hadn't seen this clip in a while...still makes me smile...

(Visit www.devilducky.com for more hilarious videos...)

WES ANDERSON AMERICAN EXPRESS COMMERCIAL

2006-04-25T01:48:00.000-07:00

Wes Anderson (writer/director of Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and The Life Aquatic) directs and stars in this great American Express commercial!

I just saw this in the theater a couple of days ago...
And thanks to...

GoldenFiddle.com

...you can see it too!

3 ITEMS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR MONDAY...

2006-04-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

Kirk Cameron, Creationism, and a Banana (may take time to load - refresh if necessary)Kirk Cameron confessed to reporters last month, "To the satisfaction of all of our fans, we are planning an entire series dedicated to creationism! Researchers, scientists, and writers are working around the clock developing our next show in the series." Kirk refused to give away too many details, but hinted at a zany comparison between band-aids and scabs. He enthusiastically added, "It's amazing, a band-aid is really just a scab when you break it down, am I right? The banana was just the beginning!"

2006-04-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Lewis & Clark HAD LOTS OF SEX

...but not as much as York...

2006-04-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

Andrew Dice Clay on CNNThis doesn't really need an explanation...just makes me laugh...
Still a headline guy? ehhhhh...

CHOCOLATE CITY MAY NEED A LITTLE VANILLA

2006-04-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

THIS JUST IN!!! - "New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Needs White People"

Full Article

DISTURBING RADICAL ISLAMIST VIDEO

2006-04-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

I found this video linked from the DrudgeReport.com. It is a real video of a group praising the 'top ten' bombings of American Troops and calling out for more attacks. Do not watch this video if you have a weak stomach. The group lists their faith's cause and purpose before and after the 'top ten bombings'. This video is fascinating, but incredibly disturbing and painful to watch.

'Kill American Troops' - Video

ISLAMIST PROTEST IN N.Y.
A New York rally by the Islamic Thinkers Society outside the Israeli consulate yesterday featured chants of "The mushroom cloud is on its way! The real holocaust is on its way!"

Islamist Protest in N.Y. - Article

Islamist Protest in N.Y. - Video

BUSH TESTS THE VERY FABRIC OF US/CHINA RELATIONS

2006-04-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

President Bush answered, "It still feels a little rough." President Hu Jintao admitted afterward that he had expected Bush to exercise a little more self-control. Hu, the six-time CHINA PEOPLE MAGAZINE 'Sexiest Communist Man' winner, explained to reporters, "It comes with the territory; however with Bush, I had hoped for a little restraint. I feel violated. I feel like President Bush was trying to manhandle me and intimidate China." Bush, with his confident smirk and swagger, walked over to President Hu and rebutted, "Oh, it's on." After the words were translated, Hu was pissed and declared war once again. Bush added, "It ain't no thing but a chicken wing."

EARTH DAY and 8 more items for the weekend...

2006-04-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

Black males suffer another setback

...response was a collective, "Give us a break!"

NEWS ALERT: Taking a nail gun to your brain causes headaches

...this comes as a shock to me...

“Roe v. Wade for Men"

...fighting for men's right to choose???

EXTRA! EXTRA! GET YOUR FREE BREAST EXAM HERE!

...reminds me of the 'Hysterectomy Hustler' that plagued Miami in the sixties...

MEAT on MEAT action

...the new condiment!

What is Charlie Sheen up to?

...OUCH...

HOW THE EARTH WORKS

Happy Earth Day!

AND OF COURSE, I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!...

CHENEY ENTHRALLED BY HU

...he was just so sleepy...

NEWS ALERT: Shaving your pussy may cause irritation!!! Also, 8 items to make for a refreshing Friday...

2006-04-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Pussycats are funny when they're shaved and irritated...anyway...
Here are some interesting links that I think should be shared, learned, or experienced...
Some music to make you laugh:

The Notorious MSG

Some music from Jack White's new band:

The Raconteurs

Who would have thought this was a bad idea?

'Jesus Christ the Nazi Superstar' Cancelled

Disgruntled employee proves he's not a 'chicken'! (Doctor's suggest he may still be 'yellow-bellied')

Tyson Chicken Killer

John Woo's Face/Off is Ripped/Off!

Face/Off 2: Bear Attack

I know...I chose where to park my car and call home, but this is ridiculous!

I drove to BEVERLY HILLS and can't afford to leave!

You gotta have FAITH!!!...that you won't be on the rode when he's driving...

George Michael engaging in a lewd driving act?

And in case you've somehow missed it...I can't wait for:

SNAKES ON A PLANE

********************************************
[OKAY, AND TIME FOR A MINI-RANT...
It's almost the end of April...
So, what have you done? What goals have you set? What work have you accomplished? Who's life have you affected (positively I hope)? What will make 2006 a success for you?
Before May arrives, try to answer these questions...and if you don't like the answers...work on changing them.
Some people will resent the person that is always positive and happy...that's just going to happen...
However, I guarantee you that most people are motivated and cheered up by these types. In fact, positive usually creates positive. It's contagious (but so is negative)!
So with that in mind...
I challenge you to start a conversation with a stranger today and just 'be nice' to them...'make their day'...'make them smile'...it will probably affect more people than you'll ever know.
OKAY, END OF MINI-RANT...]

POLITICALLY RECHARGED YOUTH... Coming to a town near you!!!

2006-04-21T03:51:00.000-07:00

We should all shave our heads...
Natalie Portman did it, Sinéad O'Connor did it, Sigourney Weaver did it, the Neo-Nazis did it, hell...even Christopher Reeves did it before he passed away...we should all do it!
...but not because of a crappy Irish singer, Alien 3, hate crimes, or a Lex Luthor wannabe...we should do it for V for Vendetta!
WE SHOULD DO IT FOR THE POLITICALLY RECHARGED YOUTH!!! They'll all be doing it now and I'll be damned if I'm labeled a politically inferior square. I'm hip...and you can be too!
After countless years of not caring...the youth are finally waking up. Apparently...Movies, Music, Television, and MySpace have set a (steady, superficial) fire under the asses of the once lazy youth...MTV News is no longer their only news source.
V for Vendetta's success did more than solidify Natalie Portman's status as a leading actress in Hollywood.
It showed women with shaved heads could be attractive.
It showed that Guy Fawkes' masks are creepy.
And more importantly, it captured the mid-pubescent minds of the politically lethargic teens!
I've encountered several people (young & old) that loved the film...saying it was 'daring, controversial, dangerous!' and continued that 'it raised new questions and was an incendiary attack on the current administration, forcing the youth to question their government...'
Okay, I enjoyed the film...and I may even shave my head because of it...but was it really anything new? Question authority, terrorist wake-up calls, corrupt politicians, biased news...it's really nothing new. It was an above average action film, but to say that it will wake up the youth of today and create change within our current political climate...that's sort of ridiculous...It is a slight introduction to politics in the same way that The Matrix was a slight introduction to philosophy (same screenwriters). It may wet the tongue of the politically dry youth, but it won't do anything new for those of us who pay attention to current events. Am I overreacting? Maybe. At least they're starting to pay attention...sure. And if their tongues are wet, then they'll be thirsty for more...however, I do think there are better options.
If you feel like seeing a recent film that will raise questions and make you think of topics from different points of view...check out: Paradise Now, Munich, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, or Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room.

420: THE CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE and other absurdities

2006-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

It is the 20th of April.
All across the world, people of all ages are lighting up for the official 'day to get high'. It's one of those numbers that jumps out all over the place. The number 420 has been referenced in film, music, and many other art forms.
So, what is it all about?
Does 4/20 belong to marijuana?
My goal is to rate the most important, culturally significant events of April 20th...and believe it or not, 'day to get high' doesn't rate as #1.
Here we go...4/20 - the countdown to the most important event!!!

4/20/1992 - Benny Hill died -
Benny Hill Gang Tribute

4/20/1977 - Annie Hall Premieres

4/20/1912 - Bram Stoker died

4/20/1999 - The Columbine Massacre

4/20 - 'Day to get high'

4/20 - Wikipedia Explanation

4/20/1889 - Adolf Hitler born (havoc would soon follow)

AND FINALLY...
The #1 culturally significant event that truly defines the 20th of April...(drum roll please)...

4/20/1979 - Jimmy Carter ATTACKED!!!

She's a COCK!!!

2006-04-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

Full Daily Mail Article

Chicken to Cockerel - "Animal experts said Freaky's sex-change was a one-in-10,000 rarity. It happens when a damaged ovary causes the hen's testosterone levels to soar, turning the remaining ovary into a testicle." I'm most likely mistaken, but I think that this news report about Freaky the chicken was the inspiration for the brilliant performance by Felicity Huffman in the controversial film:

'Transamerica'

Not to be confused with...

'Transamerica'

...the financial & insurance group (I'm sure they loved the recent extra publicity garnered by the Academy Award nominated film).

This 'rarity' has sparked debate across the globe, reigniting the debate of nature versus choice. Liberal groups are volunteering by the thousands to help promote transchicken sex-change rights. The conservative right-wing claims that the transformation of ovary into testicle is a work of Satan and is an abomination to nature. The radical right suggests that Freaky should be put to death. But what does the average American think? A random guy on the street that looked a lot like Pat Buchanan, added, "KFC serves chicken, not cock...the last thing I want to do is buy a ten-piece bucket of chicken for my family and accidentally hand my daughter a cock instead of a drumstick. What would I tell her? It was the godd#@n chicken's choice to be a cock. Besides, them nasty red flaps under their chins would taste like s#@t!" They're called wattles Mr. Buchanan.

Superpower Wagons East

2006-04-19T03:04:00.000-07:00

AMERICA MEETS THE NEW SUPERPOWER

This article is a detailed look at China's President Hu Jintao as he visits the United States. It is a trip marked by China's remarkable economic growth in recent years and is subtle announcement of the arrival of China as the next superpower.
BELOW IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE ARTICLE THAT JUST MAKES ME SMILE...
"Mr Hu was all business at the start of his tour. Dinner at Bill Gates' house in Seattle, followed by a cafe latte with Howard Schultz, chairman of the Starbucks chain of coffee shops, then on to the Boeing plant, before moving to the east coast..."
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...Mr. Hu's priorities are as follows:
Dinner with Bill Gates (I wonder if they played Xbox-360 together)
A Latte with Howard Schultz (When Mr. Hu saw 'soy' as a milk substitute, he was pleasantly surprised and ordered his latte with 'soy'. Howard Schultz had to carefully explain the difference between 'soy' & 'soy sauce', but Hu was too ashamed. He threw the latte down on the ground, declared war, and stormed out crying and yelling obscenities all the way back to his limo). And finally, Mr. Hu visited the Boeing plant...
ALL THIS BEFORE PRESIDENT BUSH. Again, that just makes me smile.

Inside Scientology

2006-04-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

Rolling Stone Article

This is a fascinating article that explains the secretive church of Scientology. It's worth the read...

YOU OWE US $218 Trillion!!!

2006-04-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

Outrageous Phone Bill

OPENING A CAN OF NUCLEAR WORMS:

2006-04-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb...

Nuclear Strike on Iran still a possibility?

BIPOLAR BUNNY: An Easter Tragedy

2006-04-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

"The rambunctious rabbit (aka Arthur McClure, 22) was nabbed after he allegedly struck a mall visitor who beefed about the early closure of a photo line."

Easter Bunny Article

...and it all continues to escalate...

2006-04-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

There is little to say that hasn't been said before about our current war. We are stretched so thin as it is in Iraq, with no end sight. And now, as it continues to escalate elsewhere, our international chain of support seems to be slowly fading away.

It's Beginning

No Support From Britain

Does this scare anyone else?

The 100 Worst Films of the 20th Century

2006-04-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

The 100 Worst List

Some of these are bad, but are they necessarily the 100 worst?
What doesn't belong? What should belong?

IF YOU'RE FAT...YOU WILL PAY!!!

2006-04-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

Get ready for the Fat Tax...
...at least this is Irwin Leba's plan

Fat Tax - Esquire Article

Fat Tax - Official Site

So, who is Alan Abel? And what does he have to do with all this?

Fat Tax - The Truth

"WE CAME HERE FOR A CRUCIFIXION!!!"

2006-04-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

"...But you've already witnessed NINE brutal crucifixions..."
"WE WANT THE TENTH...BOOOOOO!!!"
Dominik Diamond didn't feel like pleasing the crowd.

Crucifixion Full Article

I remember the days when a society 's craving for crucifixion was curbed with say, one major crucifixion every 2000 years...but as demand rises, I suppose so does the price and the hype...TEN in one day...man, I can understand four or five...but ten...that seems like a bit much...

The article mentions Sebastian Horsley, the first Westerner oil painter to take part in the Karabrio (I may be wrong, but I believe Monet was the first oil painter to be crucified). Horsley was crucified for artistic reasons rather than an attempt to get closer to God. Vasilly Kandinsky, the dead Russian author of 'Concerning the Spiritual in Art' wasn't available for comment. I speculate that Kandinsky would have been very pleased in the Horsley crucifixion; however, not because of the search for the spiritual in art, but because Horsley is a shit artist who needs shit gimmicks (Kandinsky speculation folks).

Horsley Crucifixion Article

Horsley added his thoughts, "This is very special to these people. It is something they do to get closer to God, not something that should be cheapened. I tell you, it really hurts having nails driven through your hands. Your arms are strapped up and they put alcohol on them and then bang in the nail."
After all the fuss, THAT is what Horsley learned...that "...it really hurts having nails driven through your hands..."
Well, there goes my next holiday plans...I figured it would be an uncomfortable tickle maybe, but pain...no way...
So why did Dominik Diamond back out?
"God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross," Diamond sobbed, sinking to his knees and praying as local people and tourists started to boo.
It would normally seem sadistic for groups of tourists to 'boo' Diamond's decision not to be violently hammered to wood, but I imagine they didn't know that it was a painful ritual. They should have read Horsley's quote....
"...IT REALLY HURTS HAVING NAILS DRIVEN THROUGH YOUR HANDS..."

Lackadaisical in LaLaLand or THE ARTIST, formerly known as The Artist, formerly known as the artist, formerly known as...

2006-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Lackadaisical, lethargic, and listless in Los Angeles.
They are taking over the town with their talk, or at least taking up your time.
You all know someone. He or she is the great artist, musician, actor, etc. etc. etc....
They put up a great front and exude enough energy into their hype, but they do nothing to
reach their goals. It's all talk. IT IS ALL HYPE.
In fact, they seem more in love with the concept of being a 'star' artist than being an artist...it's a superficial lie.
Or...on the other side, it's an incredibly talented person with zero confidence to pursue their dreams.
Do you know people like this?
These people either 'could have been the greatest' or claim to soon 'be the greatest'...
A lot of people buy into it...many of these people can definitely talk the talk...I'm sick of it!
They need a kick start...a kick in the ass...maybe just a moment of the honest brutal truth.
Trust me, it will save them a lot of time hearing it from someone they know and trust...
"PURSUE YOUR INCREDIBLE TALENT or QUIT!!!"
also
"YOU AREN'T a (fill in the blank)! YOU HAVEN"T DONE ANYTHING!!! DO SOMETHING OR STOP TALKING!!!"

Just stop taking up room in a category that already features enough talented and ambitious people.
...and try retail or something.

relax......WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!! (but please cool down the rhetoric)

2006-04-12T17:32:00.001-07:00

THE NEWS SAYS -
The world's leading powers, including Russia and China, joined to condemn Iran on Wednesday for advancing its atomic program in defiance of the United Nations, but Moscow said force could not resolve the dispute.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared on Tuesday that Iran had produced its first batch of enriched uranium and would now press ahead with industrial-scale enrichment. THIS IS ALL MOVING FORWARD...
RUSSIA SAYS -
"If such plans exist they will not be able to solve this problem. On the contrary they could create a dangerous explosive blaze in the Middle East, where there are already enough blazes,"...AND CONTINUED BY ADDING THAT 'BLAZES' MEANT, "SPREADING MORE AMERICAN DIPLOMACY."
IRAN SAYS -
"Iran's nuclear activities are like a waterfall which has begun to flow. It cannot be stopped," said the official, who asked not to be named. (THE R&B group TLC, believed to be associated with Iranian radicals, WARNED THE U.S. TO "NOT GO CHASING WATERFALLS")
KOFI ANNAN CHIMED IN - urged all parties to return to talks and "cool down the rhetoric." KOFI SOON REQUESTED A TEN MINUTE BREAK IN ORDER TO COOL DOWN AND ENJOY A DIET VANILLA PEPSI. HE WAS PLEASED WITH THE TASTE and added that "DIET PEPSI TASTES LIKE REGULAR PEPSI and IS GREAT FOR COOLING DOWN RHETORIC."
KARL ROVE FELT LEFT OUT AND ADDED - "it is going to be tough because they are led by ideologues who have a weird sense of history," and that Ahmadinejad was "not a rational human being to deal with." KARL ROVE LOOKED REFRESHED AFTER RECENTLY REMOVING HIS LUCIFERlike HORNS, adding, "LIFE IS GOOD, EVEN WITHOUT HORNS." (Religious fanatics believe Mr. Rove's seed is expected to produce the antichrist...time will tell).

UNITED STATES SAYS - "oh S#@T!!!" - BLOOMBERG article

SEAN PENN HAS REFUSED TO COMMENT.

the person grinning my way

2006-04-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

i'm supposed to talk to you
but i
don't
like you.
that smile stretches across your ego
dancing like sheep
in a manufactured melting pot...
not unique or the same
only as good as your last look
don't judge me...
whether good or bad
i don't care what you think
i just wish you'd turn that eye on yourself.

2006-04-11T20:05:00.001-07:00

conscious versus unconscious versus subconscious

we all have questions to ask and answers to find

*************************************************

i'm old enough to know better,
but anticipation, build-up, temptation...
make you irresistible

Occasionally -- re...straining Impatience

2006-04-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

i will restrain with reins...
I'm sitting in a warm, stuffy room in the most stupidly superficial city in the world...wondering,
when...
I've been patient for quite some time and in turn definitely put in MY time...so when will it come?
If it ever will...
Everyone has gifts, talents, and hopefully some sort of goals...
I'm supposed to wait
I'm supposed to work hard
I'm supposed to understand why THEY 'make it' first
I'm supposed to 'believe' that this will all pay off and eventually lead to my turn, my time, THE END OF MY PATIENCE...
I'm not supposed to be impatient...
I occasionally have to pull hard at these reins, restraining my impatience, while straining everything else...
What is it like to be early twenties and have plenty of realistic dreams?......not knowing whether I will make a mark, have my time, or fade slowly into obscurity...like once bright, promising stars spread across the sky years ago...
Eventually I can loosen the reins, the ones pulling at my impatience...restraining my selfishness...
and I realize that the harder I pull the reins at my patience the harder I push myself towards my goals...I find time to think of others, other problems, and work on positive solutions towards 'larger' goals...still pushing towards these lines eventually crossing around a point of success...for my life.