Friday, April 28, 2006

For your Friday...

Dumbest Kid Alive
Watch it now on StupidVideos!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

WHERE IS MOSES WHEN WE NEED HIM MOST?

"LET MY PEOPLE GO!"
Legend...Power...Purpose...all just typical Moses...
After freeing the Jews from Pharaoh in Egypt, Moses continued his 'Let My People Go' Campaign in Europe. He crusaded on to save the Russians, Slavs, Poles, Disabled, Homosexuals, Sinti, Roma, and the Jews again from Nazi Germany during World War II. Moses was a cultural icon at the peak of his power; however, that didn't last long. When Vietnam came along, Moses didn't receive so much as a phone call requesting his help. Why didn't we ask for his help? Why didn't we ask for David Bowie's help? Why not Lassie? This all baffles me...
And now, it only saddens me as I see the signs of the horrible infamy to come. Condi Rice & Donald Rumsfeld have gone to Iraq to support the struggling new leaders. Meanwhile, the situation in Iran continues to escalate daily as threats keep rolling in from all directions. The Mid-East conflict is turning into a giant pissing contest...and f@&k humanity, if everyone demands to be dealt into the game. Calm down right?
WRONG!!!
Killer f@$king chimps are on the prowl...
Plague-infested mice HAVE ESCAPED!!!
and did I mention the F@&KING KILLER CHIMPS, OH MY GOD!!!
A dodgy source added, "The chimps and mice met up and have decided to pursue the enrichment of uranium. Iran isn't the major concern, it is the killer chimps and the plague-infested mice. If they succeed, then we're all damned."
SO WHAT IN THE HELL DO WE DO?
CALL MOSES...and if that Moses isn't available, try Moses Malone...and if he isn't, hell, try Karl Malone...anyone...
Get Moses, Get Ziggy Stardust Bowie, Get Lassie...and, TAKE CARE OF THE SITUATION!
The world needs help!!!...ground control to Major Moses...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

CURSING PUBLIC ACCESS PREACHER...

This is actual footage from a public access show...

This video was contributed by Jesse Woo...thanks.
We welcome any contributions here at An Open Eyes Dream Story...thanks.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

"DO I LOOK LIKE A /-expletive deleted-/!?!"

PULP HOCKEY FICTION aka PUCK FICTION - "Samuel L. Jackson plays Chris Chelios' old youth league hockey coach, Jules Winnfield, the hitman from Pulp Fiction. One of several skits done for the 2002 Espy Awards." I hadn't seen this clip in a while...still makes me smile...

(Visit www.devilducky.com for more hilarious videos...)

WES ANDERSON AMERICAN EXPRESS COMMERCIAL

Wes Anderson (writer/director of Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and The Life Aquatic) directs and stars in this great American Express commercial!

I just saw this in the theater a couple of days ago...
And thanks to...
  • GoldenFiddle.com
  • ...you can see it too!

    Monday, April 24, 2006

    3 ITEMS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR MONDAY...

    Kirk Cameron, Creationism, and a Banana (may take time to load - refresh if necessary)Kirk Cameron confessed to reporters last month, "To the satisfaction of all of our fans, we are planning an entire series dedicated to creationism! Researchers, scientists, and writers are working around the clock developing our next show in the series." Kirk refused to give away too many details, but hinted at a zany comparison between band-aids and scabs. He enthusiastically added, "It's amazing, a band-aid is really just a scab when you break it down, am I right? The banana was just the beginning!"
  • Lewis & Clark HAD LOTS OF SEX
  • ...but not as much as York...
    Andrew Dice Clay on CNNThis doesn't really need an explanation...just makes me laugh...
    Still a headline guy? ehhhhh...

    Sunday, April 23, 2006

    CHOCOLATE CITY MAY NEED A LITTLE VANILLA

    THIS JUST IN!!! - "New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Needs White People"
  • Full Article
  • DISTURBING RADICAL ISLAMIST VIDEO

    I found this video linked from the DrudgeReport.com. It is a real video of a group praising the 'top ten' bombings of American Troops and calling out for more attacks. Do not watch this video if you have a weak stomach. The group lists their faith's cause and purpose before and after the 'top ten bombings'. This video is fascinating, but incredibly disturbing and painful to watch.
  • 'Kill American Troops' - Video

  • ISLAMIST PROTEST IN N.Y.
    A New York rally by the Islamic Thinkers Society outside the Israeli consulate yesterday featured chants of "The mushroom cloud is on its way! The real holocaust is on its way!"
  • Islamist Protest in N.Y. - Article
  • Islamist Protest in N.Y. - Video
  • Saturday, April 22, 2006

    BUSH TESTS THE VERY FABRIC OF US/CHINA RELATIONS

    President Bush answered, "It still feels a little rough." President Hu Jintao admitted afterward that he had expected Bush to exercise a little more self-control. Hu, the six-time CHINA PEOPLE MAGAZINE 'Sexiest Communist Man' winner, explained to reporters, "It comes with the territory; however with Bush, I had hoped for a little restraint. I feel violated. I feel like President Bush was trying to manhandle me and intimidate China." Bush, with his confident smirk and swagger, walked over to President Hu and rebutted, "Oh, it's on." After the words were translated, Hu was pissed and declared war once again. Bush added, "It ain't no thing but a chicken wing."

    EARTH DAY and 8 more items for the weekend...


  • Black males suffer another setback
  • ...response was a collective, "Give us a break!"
  • NEWS ALERT: Taking a nail gun to your brain causes headaches
  • ...this comes as a shock to me...
  • “Roe v. Wade for Men"
  • ...fighting for men's right to choose???
  • EXTRA! EXTRA! GET YOUR FREE BREAST EXAM HERE!
  • ...reminds me of the 'Hysterectomy Hustler' that plagued Miami in the sixties...
  • MEAT on MEAT action
  • ...the new condiment!
  • What is Charlie Sheen up to?
  • ...OUCH...
  • HOW THE EARTH WORKS
  • Happy Earth Day!

    AND OF COURSE, I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!...
  • CHENEY ENTHRALLED BY HU
  • ...he was just so sleepy...

    Friday, April 21, 2006

    NEWS ALERT: Shaving your pussy may cause irritation!!! Also, 8 items to make for a refreshing Friday...


    Pussycats are funny when they're shaved and irritated...anyway...
    Here are some interesting links that I think should be shared, learned, or experienced...
    Some music to make you laugh:
  • The Notorious MSG

  • Some music from Jack White's new band:
  • The Raconteurs

  • Who would have thought this was a bad idea?
  • 'Jesus Christ the Nazi Superstar' Cancelled

  • Disgruntled employee proves he's not a 'chicken'! (Doctor's suggest he may still be 'yellow-bellied')
  • Tyson Chicken Killer

  • John Woo's Face/Off is Ripped/Off!
  • Face/Off 2: Bear Attack

  • I know...I chose where to park my car and call home, but this is ridiculous!
  • I drove to BEVERLY HILLS and can't afford to leave!

  • You gotta have FAITH!!!...that you won't be on the rode when he's driving...
  • George Michael engaging in a lewd driving act?

  • And in case you've somehow missed it...I can't wait for:
  • SNAKES ON A PLANE
  • ********************************************
    [OKAY, AND TIME FOR A MINI-RANT...
    It's almost the end of April...
    So, what have you done? What goals have you set? What work have you accomplished? Who's life have you affected (positively I hope)? What will make 2006 a success for you?
    Before May arrives, try to answer these questions...and if you don't like the answers...work on changing them.
    Some people will resent the person that is always positive and happy...that's just going to happen...
    However, I guarantee you that most people are motivated and cheered up by these types. In fact, positive usually creates positive. It's contagious (but so is negative)!
    So with that in mind...
    I challenge you to start a conversation with a stranger today and just 'be nice' to them...'make their day'...'make them smile'...it will probably affect more people than you'll ever know.
    OKAY, END OF MINI-RANT...]

    POLITICALLY RECHARGED YOUTH... Coming to a town near you!!!


    We should all shave our heads...
    Natalie Portman did it, Sinéad O'Connor did it, Sigourney Weaver did it, the Neo-Nazis did it, hell...even Christopher Reeves did it before he passed away...we should all do it!
    ...but not because of a crappy Irish singer, Alien 3, hate crimes, or a Lex Luthor wannabe...we should do it for V for Vendetta!
    WE SHOULD DO IT FOR THE POLITICALLY RECHARGED YOUTH!!! They'll all be doing it now and I'll be damned if I'm labeled a politically inferior square. I'm hip...and you can be too!
    After countless years of not caring...the youth are finally waking up. Apparently...Movies, Music, Television, and MySpace have set a (steady, superficial) fire under the asses of the once lazy youth...MTV News is no longer their only news source.
    V for Vendetta's success did more than solidify Natalie Portman's status as a leading actress in Hollywood.
    It showed women with shaved heads could be attractive.
    It showed that Guy Fawkes' masks are creepy.
    And more importantly, it captured the mid-pubescent minds of the politically lethargic teens!
    I've encountered several people (young & old) that loved the film...saying it was 'daring, controversial, dangerous!' and continued that 'it raised new questions and was an incendiary attack on the current administration, forcing the youth to question their government...'
    Okay, I enjoyed the film...and I may even shave my head because of it...but was it really anything new? Question authority, terrorist wake-up calls, corrupt politicians, biased news...it's really nothing new. It was an above average action film, but to say that it will wake up the youth of today and create change within our current political climate...that's sort of ridiculous...It is a slight introduction to politics in the same way that The Matrix was a slight introduction to philosophy (same screenwriters). It may wet the tongue of the politically dry youth, but it won't do anything new for those of us who pay attention to current events. Am I overreacting? Maybe. At least they're starting to pay attention...sure. And if their tongues are wet, then they'll be thirsty for more...however, I do think there are better options.
    If you feel like seeing a recent film that will raise questions and make you think of topics from different points of view...check out: Paradise Now, Munich, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, or Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room.

    Thursday, April 20, 2006

    420: THE CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE and other absurdities

    It is the 20th of April.
    All across the world, people of all ages are lighting up for the official 'day to get high'. It's one of those numbers that jumps out all over the place. The number 420 has been referenced in film, music, and many other art forms.
    So, what is it all about?
    Does 4/20 belong to marijuana?
    My goal is to rate the most important, culturally significant events of April 20th...and believe it or not, 'day to get high' doesn't rate as #1.
    Here we go...4/20 - the countdown to the most important event!!!
  • 4/20/1992 - Benny Hill died -
    Benny Hill Gang Tribute
  • 4/20/1977 - Annie Hall Premieres
  • 4/20/1912 - Bram Stoker died
  • 4/20/1999 - The Columbine Massacre
  • 4/20 - 'Day to get high'
  • 4/20 - Wikipedia Explanation
  • 4/20/1889 - Adolf Hitler born (havoc would soon follow)
  • AND FINALLY...
    The #1 culturally significant event that truly defines the 20th of April...(drum roll please)...
  • 4/20/1979 - Jimmy Carter ATTACKED!!!
  • She's a COCK!!!

  • Full Daily Mail Article
  • Chicken to Cockerel - "Animal experts said Freaky's sex-change was a one-in-10,000 rarity. It happens when a damaged ovary causes the hen's testosterone levels to soar, turning the remaining ovary into a testicle." I'm most likely mistaken, but I think that this news report about Freaky the chicken was the inspiration for the brilliant performance by Felicity Huffman in the controversial film:
  • 'Transamerica'
  • Not to be confused with...
  • 'Transamerica'
  • ...the financial & insurance group (I'm sure they loved the recent extra publicity garnered by the Academy Award nominated film).

    This 'rarity' has sparked debate across the globe, reigniting the debate of nature versus choice. Liberal groups are volunteering by the thousands to help promote transchicken sex-change rights. The conservative right-wing claims that the transformation of ovary into testicle is a work of Satan and is an abomination to nature. The radical right suggests that Freaky should be put to death. But what does the average American think? A random guy on the street that looked a lot like Pat Buchanan, added, "KFC serves chicken, not cock...the last thing I want to do is buy a ten-piece bucket of chicken for my family and accidentally hand my daughter a cock instead of a drumstick. What would I tell her? It was the godd#@n chicken's choice to be a cock. Besides, them nasty red flaps under their chins would taste like s#@t!" They're called wattles Mr. Buchanan.

    Wednesday, April 19, 2006

    Superpower Wagons East

  • AMERICA MEETS THE NEW SUPERPOWER
  • This article is a detailed look at China's President Hu Jintao as he visits the United States. It is a trip marked by China's remarkable economic growth in recent years and is subtle announcement of the arrival of China as the next superpower.
    BELOW IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE ARTICLE THAT JUST MAKES ME SMILE...
    "Mr Hu was all business at the start of his tour. Dinner at Bill Gates' house in Seattle, followed by a cafe latte with Howard Schultz, chairman of the Starbucks chain of coffee shops, then on to the Boeing plant, before moving to the east coast..."
    LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT...Mr. Hu's priorities are as follows:
    Dinner with Bill Gates (I wonder if they played Xbox-360 together)
    A Latte with Howard Schultz (When Mr. Hu saw 'soy' as a milk substitute, he was pleasantly surprised and ordered his latte with 'soy'. Howard Schultz had to carefully explain the difference between 'soy' & 'soy sauce', but Hu was too ashamed. He threw the latte down on the ground, declared war, and stormed out crying and yelling obscenities all the way back to his limo). And finally, Mr. Hu visited the Boeing plant...
    ALL THIS BEFORE PRESIDENT BUSH. Again, that just makes me smile.

    Tuesday, April 18, 2006

    Inside Scientology


  • Rolling Stone Article

  • This is a fascinating article that explains the secretive church of Scientology. It's worth the read...

    YOU OWE US $218 Trillion!!!

    OPENING A CAN OF NUCLEAR WORMS:

    or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb...
  • Nuclear Strike on Iran still a possibility?
  • Monday, April 17, 2006

    BIPOLAR BUNNY: An Easter Tragedy

    "The rambunctious rabbit (aka Arthur McClure, 22) was nabbed after he allegedly struck a mall visitor who beefed about the early closure of a photo line."
  • Easter Bunny Article
  • Sunday, April 16, 2006

    ...and it all continues to escalate...

    There is little to say that hasn't been said before about our current war. We are stretched so thin as it is in Iraq, with no end sight. And now, as it continues to escalate elsewhere, our international chain of support seems to be slowly fading away.
  • It's Beginning
  • No Support From Britain
  • Does this scare anyone else?

    Saturday, April 15, 2006

    The 100 Worst Films of the 20th Century

  • The 100 Worst List
  • Some of these are bad, but are they necessarily the 100 worst?
    What doesn't belong? What should belong?

    IF YOU'RE FAT...YOU WILL PAY!!!

    Get ready for the Fat Tax...
    ...at least this is Irwin Leba's plan
  • Fat Tax - Esquire Article
  • Fat Tax - Official Site

  • So, who is Alan Abel? And what does he have to do with all this?
  • Fat Tax - The Truth
  • Friday, April 14, 2006

    "WE CAME HERE FOR A CRUCIFIXION!!!"

    "...But you've already witnessed NINE brutal crucifixions..."
    "WE WANT THE TENTH...BOOOOOO!!!"
    Dominik Diamond didn't feel like pleasing the crowd.
  • Crucifixion Full Article
  • I remember the days when a society 's craving for crucifixion was curbed with say, one major crucifixion every 2000 years...but as demand rises, I suppose so does the price and the hype...TEN in one day...man, I can understand four or five...but ten...that seems like a bit much...

    The article mentions Sebastian Horsley, the first Westerner oil painter to take part in the Karabrio (I may be wrong, but I believe Monet was the first oil painter to be crucified). Horsley was crucified for artistic reasons rather than an attempt to get closer to God. Vasilly Kandinsky, the dead Russian author of 'Concerning the Spiritual in Art' wasn't available for comment. I speculate that Kandinsky would have been very pleased in the Horsley crucifixion; however, not because of the search for the spiritual in art, but because Horsley is a shit artist who needs shit gimmicks (Kandinsky speculation folks).
  • Horsley Crucifixion Article
  • Horsley added his thoughts, "This is very special to these people. It is something they do to get closer to God, not something that should be cheapened. I tell you, it really hurts having nails driven through your hands. Your arms are strapped up and they put alcohol on them and then bang in the nail."
    After all the fuss, THAT is what Horsley learned...that "...it really hurts having nails driven through your hands..."
    Well, there goes my next holiday plans...I figured it would be an uncomfortable tickle maybe, but pain...no way...
    So why did Dominik Diamond back out?
    "God wanted me only to pray at the foot of my cross," Diamond sobbed, sinking to his knees and praying as local people and tourists started to boo.
    It would normally seem sadistic for groups of tourists to 'boo' Diamond's decision not to be violently hammered to wood, but I imagine they didn't know that it was a painful ritual. They should have read Horsley's quote....
    "...IT REALLY HURTS HAVING NAILS DRIVEN THROUGH YOUR HANDS..."

    Thursday, April 13, 2006

    Lackadaisical in LaLaLand or THE ARTIST, formerly known as The Artist, formerly known as the artist, formerly known as...

    Lackadaisical, lethargic, and listless in Los Angeles.
    They are taking over the town with their talk, or at least taking up your time.
    You all know someone. He or she is the great artist, musician, actor, etc. etc. etc....
    They put up a great front and exude enough energy into their hype, but they do nothing to
    reach their goals. It's all talk. IT IS ALL HYPE.
    In fact, they seem more in love with the concept of being a 'star' artist than being an artist...it's a superficial lie.
    Or...on the other side, it's an incredibly talented person with zero confidence to pursue their dreams.
    Do you know people like this?
    These people either 'could have been the greatest' or claim to soon 'be the greatest'...
    A lot of people buy into it...many of these people can definitely talk the talk...I'm sick of it!
    They need a kick start...a kick in the ass...maybe just a moment of the honest brutal truth.
    Trust me, it will save them a lot of time hearing it from someone they know and trust...
    "PURSUE YOUR INCREDIBLE TALENT or QUIT!!!"
    also
    "YOU AREN'T a (fill in the blank)! YOU HAVEN"T DONE ANYTHING!!! DO SOMETHING OR STOP TALKING!!!"

    Just stop taking up room in a category that already features enough talented and ambitious people.
    ...and try retail or something.

    Wednesday, April 12, 2006

    relax......WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!!! (but please cool down the rhetoric)



    THE NEWS SAYS -
    The world's leading powers, including Russia and China, joined to condemn Iran on Wednesday for advancing its atomic program in defiance of the United Nations, but Moscow said force could not resolve the dispute.
    President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared on Tuesday that Iran had produced its first batch of enriched uranium and would now press ahead with industrial-scale enrichment. THIS IS ALL MOVING FORWARD...
    RUSSIA SAYS -
    "If such plans exist they will not be able to solve this problem. On the contrary they could create a dangerous explosive blaze in the Middle East, where there are already enough blazes,"...AND CONTINUED BY ADDING THAT 'BLAZES' MEANT, "SPREADING MORE AMERICAN DIPLOMACY."
    IRAN SAYS -
    "Iran's nuclear activities are like a waterfall which has begun to flow. It cannot be stopped," said the official, who asked not to be named. (THE R&B group TLC, believed to be associated with Iranian radicals, WARNED THE U.S. TO "NOT GO CHASING WATERFALLS")
    KOFI ANNAN CHIMED IN - urged all parties to return to talks and "cool down the rhetoric." KOFI SOON REQUESTED A TEN MINUTE BREAK IN ORDER TO COOL DOWN AND ENJOY A DIET VANILLA PEPSI. HE WAS PLEASED WITH THE TASTE and added that "DIET PEPSI TASTES LIKE REGULAR PEPSI and IS GREAT FOR COOLING DOWN RHETORIC."
    KARL ROVE FELT LEFT OUT AND ADDED - "it is going to be tough because they are led by ideologues who have a weird sense of history," and that Ahmadinejad was "not a rational human being to deal with." KARL ROVE LOOKED REFRESHED AFTER RECENTLY REMOVING HIS LUCIFERlike HORNS, adding, "LIFE IS GOOD, EVEN WITHOUT HORNS." (Religious fanatics believe Mr. Rove's seed is expected to produce the antichrist...time will tell).
  • UNITED STATES SAYS - "oh S#@T!!!" - BLOOMBERG article

  • SEAN PENN HAS REFUSED TO COMMENT.

    Tuesday, April 11, 2006

    the person grinning my way


    i'm supposed to talk to you
    but i
    don't
    like you.
    that smile stretches across your ego
    dancing like sheep
    in a manufactured melting pot...
    not unique or the same
    only as good as your last look
    don't judge me...
    whether good or bad
    i don't care what you think
    i just wish you'd turn that eye on yourself.

    conscious versus unconscious versus subconscious

    we all have questions to ask and answers to find

    *************************************************

    i'm old enough to know better,
    but anticipation, build-up, temptation...
    make you irresistible

    Occasionally -- re...straining Impatience

    i will restrain with reins...
    I'm sitting in a warm, stuffy room in the most stupidly superficial city in the world...wondering,
    when...
    I've been patient for quite some time and in turn definitely put in MY time...so when will it come?
    If it ever will...
    Everyone has gifts, talents, and hopefully some sort of goals...
    I'm supposed to wait
    I'm supposed to work hard
    I'm supposed to understand why THEY 'make it' first
    I'm supposed to 'believe' that this will all pay off and eventually lead to my turn, my time, THE END OF MY PATIENCE...
    I'm not supposed to be impatient...
    I occasionally have to pull hard at these reins, restraining my impatience, while straining everything else...
    What is it like to be early twenties and have plenty of realistic dreams?......not knowing whether I will make a mark, have my time, or fade slowly into obscurity...like once bright, promising stars spread across the sky years ago...
    Eventually I can loosen the reins, the ones pulling at my impatience...restraining my selfishness...
    and I realize that the harder I pull the reins at my patience the harder I push myself towards my goals...I find time to think of others, other problems, and work on positive solutions towards 'larger' goals...still pushing towards these lines eventually crossing around a point of success...for my life.