RETURNING SOON!!!

WE WILL RETURN SOON!!! Check back in September for updates!

'The Mountain Goats' music video -

Did you like BRICK? Check out Director Rian Johnson's first music video...

I'm Juggernaut Bitch!!!

I know, I know...very few updates, stories, or articles as of late...but they will come...busy, busy, busy...
besides...I'M JUGGERNAUT BITCH!!!

We will return to reporting when the news is horrific...

Who wants an appletini instead of a news report? i do...
Coulter criticizes Clinton and several of the 9/11 victims families...what is the result...A #1 book!!!
Iranian leader is at a Shanghai summit...ahhhhhh, don't let these guys in the same room, and you know Russia will show up uninvited, crap...watch Dr. Strangelove to see why...
An earthquake swarm has attacked Alaska...we will start searching for the quakes' WMDs shortly...
okay...so there is news...
I'm waiting for all of these items to come to a head...and pop...when they do...
An Open Eyes Dream Story will return!!!
busy times folks...

CORRECTION: The Dallas Mavericks are Israel's public enemy #1...not Iran...

Israel and God both want the Miami Heat to win!

The Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban said he considered calling Palestinian forces and Iran's president to have them pray for the Mavericks' victory over the Israeli Heat, but decided not to take the situation any further.

ANNA NICOLE AND BLOWING CANADA!!!

CANADA...would you miss it?

17 Terror Suspects were arrested in Toronto today...
Early reports indicate that a Hamas terror group was planning a major attack on Canadian soil. The group's leader INASH NOJEW, described as a Cat Stevens & Ted Nugent hybrid extremist, declared, "WE ARE GOING TO BLOW THE UNITED STATES' YAMAKA CLEAR OFF THE MAP! AND AFTER THE YAMAKA, WE WILL BLOW THE UNITED STATES' SHOFAR SHOES OFF THE MAP! F#$K MEXICO AND CANADA!"
George Clooney quickly responded, "Well at least they're using hybrids!"
After we explained to Mr. Clooney that their was no mention of a hybrid vehicle, he shouted, "FINE!!! Have you seen Brad Pitt's baby...name means the New Messiah, I mean Christ...the New Messiah, I HAVE AN OSCAR NOW! RESPECT ME!!! EVERYONE LOVES GEORGE!!!

BIGGEST NEWS OF THE CENTURY - ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS PREGNANT!!!

When we spoke to Fatty Smith about the pregnancy and who the father was...she answered, "It doesn't matter who the father is or isn't, it could be several people, places, or things. I just pray that this child is born old and rich. If it's old and rich, I'll marry it, touch its genitals until I'm written into its will, and then talk it to death. I'm good at that...talking too much...and elderly oral sex. After a couple trips down that wrinkled totem pole, you start to forget what you're even doing."
SAVE DARFUR!!! NO!!! SAVE AMERICA!!! SAVE AMERICA FROM ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S OFFSPRING...I MEAN F#$K, WHY IS SHE ALLOWED TO REPRODUCE...look at her...ughhhhhhh!!!

Cursing Public Access Preacher

The previous clip was removed...but this one is better...enjoy until this one is removed...

Three new films coming out by Striped Socks Productions!!!

It was just announced that Striped Socks Productions (www.striped-socks.com) is going to shoot three films back to back to back. After 'Wednesday', the filmmakers wanted to tackle other genres. They have officially been announced on multiple sources and list that they are in pre-production. The three projects are the following: a horrific drama 'Pale Horse', a drama about two brothers 'Enoch', and 'Blue Like Isolation'. Apparently, they are currently casting these projects.

NEWS, NEWS, NEWS...

WTF, Grandma?

And I thought the only thing I could teach you was how to update your iPod.

The 2000 Club?

Umm…doubtful. Are you sure it was 2000 lbs? Are you sure it wasn't…nothing? (credit to Family Guy)

Fake-ticiles wasn't pithy enough.

I don't know what's most ridiculous: the concept, the name, the flash animation, the price, or the fact that if someone neutered me, I would probably get them. P.S. Please don't neuter me.

The definition of cute:

Also, a metaphor for what love really is.

Vampire activist.

If you would like to interview him, Tuesday he's doing Crossfire to bash the wooden stake lobby, he's picketing a crucifix factory on Thursday, and on Friday he's got a sitdown on the Hill with the Van Helsings to discuss ending hostilities.

Unnecessary Censorship w/ Jimmy Kimmel

It's funny because he's not in it.

Bugs in blackface:

Huge collection of inappropriate cartoons.

The John Swift burger:

Also known as the Modest Proposal sandwich or the California Cheeseburger. Because in California, they eat babies. True story.

What do you get when you cross a lemur and a transformer:

Optimus Prime just rolled over in his grave. What? He's not dead? Really? Are you sure? I thought he committed suicide? Wasn't he OCD, and like, he just couldn't take it anymore? What? Family Feud? Whatever.

So the egg people got to you, too?

I never though I would see the day when Professor John Brookfield, specialist in evolutionary genetics at University of Nottingham, would sell out to the egg lobbyists. BTW, there's no way that's a real school. I read Robin Hood. That's what I meant: I watched the movie Robin Hood. That's what I meant: the Disney version. And yes, Maid Marion was hot for a cartoon fox that was probably slightly underage.
(courtesy Jesse Woo)

HOW TO CELEBRATE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

I CALLED FOR NEWS...AND IT CAME!!!
Cannes handed out awards...Indonesia has declared emergency...Pitt-Jolie gave birth to the 'new messiah' (check out the name), Bonds passed Ruth (while eating a steroids laced butterfinger)...but none of these will prepare you for the ultimate Memorial Day Weekend Celebration...

KILL KIDS & YOURSELF...

WE NEED MORE NEWS!!!

The biggest news story right now is about Al Gore and whether he walked or drove to his Cannes Film Festival Premiere...who cares!?!
Enron's Lay & Skilling were found guilty...big surprise!
Where is the real news...the immediate threat!?! What happened to Iran...?
Okay, so hopefully things will pick up soon...

Man Strangles Lawyer in Court

...that's it...
another slow day for news...but this made me 'kind of' smile...

Tommy hilfiger, Jack Bauer, Freddy Kreuger, and a severed penis.

OMG!!! OMG!!!! Tommy Hilfiger has a girlfriend?

Oh, yeah. Hilfiger was drunk and attacked Axl Rose in what must have been the second or third gayest fight of all time, but that is much less shocking than the fact that Hilfiger is not a homer sexual.

Jack Bauer, has one weakness apparently…tequila.

Picture of a drunk Kiefer at a table, sans pants.

Seven year old escapes from Alcatraz.

In other news, police let him slip through their grasp, and this dangerous second grader is still at large. How can our leaders let a hardened criminal walk the streets unchecked?

No description needed.

Umm…shit.

Yeah...shit. We're all in trouble now.

Comet, huh? Tsunami, huh? Extraterrestrials, huh?

Well, sources look good to me. Nice graphs.

And the magnum opus…

duh duh duh doo da duh…comedy!!!!
(all courtesy of Jesse Woo)

He won't ever die...

It's a slow day, but I thought this was funny...CASTRO WILL LIVE TO 140!!!...

Ron Howard isn't the antichrist anymore...

Let's start out this Thursday with a "Hamlet of Horrors"...
and a couple of quick reminders folks...
The left lane is the FAST LANE...
Turn signals indicate that you are F#$KING TURNING!!!...
and...NOW,
it turns out that Ron Howard ISN'T the antichrist...he just made a very bad, laughable film...well that sounds like the antichrist to me, but oh well...Michael Bay & Brett Ratner still lead the pack in that department...and to quote Chris Tucker from X-MEN: The Last Installment, "Do you understand the prophecy that is comin' outta my mouth!?! THE DA VINCI CODE IS BAD BITCH!"

MAGNETO VS. FIRE CROTCH

Brandon Davis (whoever the hell he is) fills us in on Lindsay Lohan's most intimate details (warning: language)

Magneto's Bible disclaimer...

"Well, I've often thought the Bible should have a disclaimer in the front saying this is fiction. I mean, walking on water, it takes an act of faith. And I have faith in this movie. Not that it's true, not that it's factual, but that it's a jolly good story. And I think audiences are clever enough and bright enough to separate out fact and fiction, and discuss the thing after they've seen it."
Sir Ian McKellen Magneto also added that,"PETE DOHERTY IS A SICK F#$K!!!"and that Doherty is "no apt pupil"...
McKellen refused to comment on Lindsay Lohan's anatomy.
(courtesy of aPENisMIGHTIER, Jesse Woo, & GoldenFiddle)

CNN airs President Bush Rehearsal

This will probably be removed very soon...so check it out...

Drudge Report's developing article...if you want to read more

accident? what do you think?
I think it was done just to add to the end of this video

Jack Bauer's Grandmother, Jack Bauer's Surprisingly Asian Grandfather, & Sick Child Rape

Jack Bauer's Grandmother:

A 74 year old woman was attacked by an alligator while gardening. She beats the alligator in the face with a garden hose until it lets her go, then she resumes gardening. Note to self: don't attack old ladies while pruning roses.

My Summer Plans:

Camp Cobra is much cooler than that other camp. My mom was concerned that I would get shot, but I politely informed her that no one has ever been shot in the history of GI Joe. Ever.

Nah...it couldn't be...really?

What appears to be actual deleted footage from Episode IV. The reason it got cut? Because it scientifically confirms that Luke is, in fact, a gay. True story. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Luke. What you want to do when you go to "Taachi" to get some "power converters" is your own business.

There's a "who let the dogs out" joke in here somewhere:

= some asshole has actually made a radio station exclusively for dogs. WTF, mate?

Jack Bauer's surprisingly asian grandfather:

So...you want me to shoot arrows at you with this bow, and you're gonna chop the arrows in half in mid-air before they hit you? Okay, I'm in.

Sick, sick, sick CHILD RAPE

That's how we end it here...with sick child rape. Not that there's anything wrong with that...oh wait, that's really wrong...really f$*kin' sick...ugghhhhh...
(courtesy of Jesse Woo)

BRANGELINA IS BORN!!!

We are happy to break the news to the public...BRANGELINA HAS ARRIVED!!!
(...and even uglier than expected)
The famous offspring of the two Hollywood megastars is already pissed at the paparazzi. Only two hours old, the now officially named 'Brangelina', became overwhelmed by the onslaught of paparazzi and tried to commit suicide. 'Brangelina' immediately regretted the decision to try and choke itself with its own umbilical cord, and added, "It's going to be a hard life." For some ridiculous reason, we chose not to question the fact that a newborn was already speaking perfect English. Instead we asked about the possibility of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith sequel featuring the ugly child. Brangelina's answer..."Waaahhhh, I want my mommy."
Now since this is just a satirical announcement, we will refuse to respond to that comment.
We will however respond to the whole cultural obsession with this beautiful couple's soon to be beautiful child...
"WHO THE F*$K CARES!!!" (find another hobby folks)...

Okay...so we attacked the nation's 'brangelina' obsession...what is next?
Let's start with another hiccup in race relations...

My teacher is convinced, "blacks are inferior to whites"...it's history, science, it's fact...

And what about those crazy Brits? ...this explains their teeth...

So what's with the smell? ...oh, okay...it's stilton...uhhhh

BAD TEETH, BAD SMELL...and yet they can still manage to get laid at age ELEVEN!!!

Okay...so enough with the Brits...the US has plenty more to discuss...from Florida to California it's gettin' rough out here...

Alligator Stalked Jogger

MySpace 'Poser' Arrested For Attempted Sexual Battery

the NEW DISEASE TO WORRY ABOUT!!!

Cripple CAN WALK!!!

CHOMSKY, ARLINGTON,TX & a FREAK WITH A FOOT FETISH - It's a slow Thursday

U.S. Definition VS. The Real Definition (of the word 'terrorist') - Noam Chomsky's views on the Iran situation

"He ain't even do nothing, he just filmed it," Walker said.

MAN AT HIS BEST

Okay, so those aren't the 'fight club' videos in question...but it's something...I tried to find them...

And if public transportation wasn't disturbing enough...

WATCH YOUR FEET LADIES...especially if you're a black woman!!!

Brokeback hazing, The RED is back, an early film, & Tupac Barney

'Brokeback' beats the 'Elephant Walk'...

"The 'Comrade Wolf' knows who to eat...

Georges Méliès - Un homme de têtes (early film, 1898)

(compliments of Advanced Theory)

The BEST FOR LAST!!!

(warning: language)

TERROR THREAT LEVEL - CRIMSON/FIREBRICK/MAROON - I think that means it's bad...

Today's blog entry will serve to educate the public on the most dangerous terror threats against humanity on this Tuesday...
We'll start with one of the worst...

Okay, that was just awful...but what else...You thought anthrax was a scare...think again, that was child's play...how about a cookie?

What is that secret ingredient?

Okay, maybe not the most threatening item, but still...

I wanted to eat him, I didn't want to kill him...

Okay, that's just frightening...

Just another android?

"The robot can serve to provide information in department stores and museums or read stories to children; it’s capable of both education and entertainment functions," said KITECH scientist Baeg Moon-hong. Another KITECH scientist added that it is also useful for, "creeping the F*@K out of people!"
As technology advances, so does the threat of world domination & annihilation...

THE ATTACK OF FLYING ROBOTS

David used this powerful weapon in Psalms while fighting Lucifer on top of Mount Everest, Gandhi used it against the Soviets during the Cold War, and Lou Reed used it against Ted Kennedy at Medieval Times in Dallas...but only one song will be remembered for all of eternity...

The THREAT OF SONG

So what about the whole Iran situation?

Iran proclaims, "OUR MEN MUST LOOK LIKE MEN!!!"

And in a manly effort, Iran wrote the US a diplomatic love note..."

After reading the love note, Prime Minister Blair announced that, "nuking Iran would be absurd"

Israel was at a loss for words and could only respond with...

"I know you are, but what am I..."

So what can protect you from the upcoming apocalypse?

We have protection!!!

Well, you'll be safe as long as you don't think you look too goofy...fashion in, life out...you heard it here first!

Wednesday through Saturday...making up for lost time.

Let's skip the blog foreplay and get right into the sex...

Are you a shy virgin?

These prostitutes have received 'sensitivity training' and are fully prepared to make your first sexual experience a very comfortable one...
A rep for one of the prostitute whore sluts added, "...it will be less awkward...it will still be dirty and make you feel like dirty, dirty sin...but less awkwardly...is that a word? Awkwardly...yes...now the prostitutes have hearts too! It's a big day for shameful acts of indiscretion!"

I'm screwed because a FORTUNE-TELLING JUDGE is going to let three mystic dwarfs decide my fate...

At least I can enjoy my execution...

I hate to be a stickler, but MY EXECUTION IS NOT WORKING...

Let's try DEATH BY CANDIRU...oh F#$K that would hurt

...a vampire fish...(courtesy of JesseWoo)
Instead of a last meal, can I have a last drink?

What is that secret ingredient in your favorite cup of joe?

I take my COFFEE WITH CAT SHIT PLEASE please...

At least the coffee will keep you warm when the Neo-Cold-War begins...
Things are going to get rough...

Russia is already talking to China...asking to borrow their advanced robot technology for combat...
CHINESE ROBOTS???

China is open to the idea of supplying Russia with combat robots. The initial group of robots designed by China turned out female and had to be dismantled immediately. President Hu Jintao believes that instead of killing all of the female robot fetuses, they might be able to sell them off to Russia. Hu responded, "China only wants man robots, no bitch-bots."

So as female robot immigrants begin to demand Russian citizenship and take over the country, the US is still fighting its own immigrant battle...

...and I think I have a final solution for...uh...wait, that sounds wrong...not final solution, but a solution or final answer solution for...uh never mind, just watch...

THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE VIDEO

Superman arrives just as Tuesday's Gone...

SUPERMAN RETURNS!!!

Check out the all new full-length Superman Returns trailer...
Screw the other summer films, Screw X-Men, Screw Jack Sparrow, & SCREW TOM CRUISE...I can't wait for Superman! Download the HD version if you can...

Does anyone else think Dick Cheney's daughter is a dude?

...not passing judgment, but come on...that's a man baby...oh, and the article goes on to say that he still likes his sausage (talking about Dick...Cheney that is...)

China and Russia won't back UN sanctions...
France is actually playing ball with the US...
and Iran plans on doing 'EVIL' on Israel if any 'EVIL' is 'EVIL-ED' onto them by the 'EVIL' US

...Do I have that right?
Iran added, "It's okay if the US acts kind of 'EVIL' or a little 'EVIL'...just not really 'EVIL'..."

AND THE FINAL ITEM to 'MAKE YOUR TUESDAY' (compliments of thePENisMIGHTIER)

So how does PARKOUR work?

minor Monday articles...

Here are a couple of odd items...
A Chinese heist gone incredibly wrong...
Is love worth five years in prison ???

For your Friday...

Dumbest Kid Alive Watch it now on StupidVideos!

WHERE IS MOSES WHEN WE NEED HIM MOST?

"LET MY PEOPLE GO!"
Legend...Power...Purpose...all just typical Moses...
After freeing the Jews from Pharaoh in Egypt, Moses continued his 'Let My People Go' Campaign in Europe. He crusaded on to save the Russians, Slavs, Poles, Disabled, Homosexuals, Sinti, Roma, and the Jews again from Nazi Germany during World War II. Moses was a cultural icon at the peak of his power; however, that didn't last long. When Vietnam came along, Moses didn't receive so much as a phone call requesting his help. Why didn't we ask for his help? Why didn't we ask for David Bowie's help? Why not Lassie? This all baffles me...
And now, it only saddens me as I see the signs of the horrible infamy to come. Condi Rice & Donald Rumsfeld have gone to Iraq to support the struggling new leaders. Meanwhile, the situation in Iran continues to escalate daily as threats keep rolling in from all directions. The Mid-East conflict is turning into a giant pissing contest...and f@&k humanity, if everyone demands to be dealt into the game. Calm down right?
WRONG!!!
Killer f@$king chimps are on the prowl...
Plague-infested mice HAVE ESCAPED!!!
and did I mention the F@&KING KILLER CHIMPS, OH MY GOD!!!
A dodgy source added, "The chimps and mice met up and have decided to pursue the enrichment of uranium. Iran isn't the major concern, it is the killer chimps and the plague-infested mice. If they succeed, then we're all damned."
SO WHAT IN THE HELL DO WE DO?
CALL MOSES...and if that Moses isn't available, try Moses Malone...and if he isn't, hell, try Karl Malone...anyone...
Get Moses, Get Ziggy Stardust Bowie, Get Lassie...and, TAKE CARE OF THE SITUATION!
The world needs help!!!...ground control to Major Moses...

CURSING PUBLIC ACCESS PREACHER...

This is actual footage from a public access show...

This video was contributed by Jesse Woo...thanks.
We welcome any contributions here at An Open Eyes Dream Story...thanks.